Friday, 1 January 2010


‘Tis the season to be OAHWEE-OHHHHH. Now, if questionable food is reason enough to right a quick blog entry, then my yuletide feasting (read: beasting) surely equates to at least the same. Social and artistic – same shit, different decade. But first... as is customary (read: in no way customary), the end of the year brings me to my annual (read: first) review of the year. This will be MANY LISTS of awesome stuff. Here ‘tis:

Albums of the Year:

1. Mastodon – Crack the Skye

2. Blut Aus Nord – Memoria Vetusta II: Dialogue with the Stars

3. Devin Townsend – Addicted

4. Dälek – Gutter Tactics

5. Thy Catafalque – Róka Hasa Rádió

6. Nile – Those Whom the Gods Detest

7. Kylesa – Static Tensions

8. Shrinebuilder – S/T

9. Napalm Death – Time Waits for No Slave

10. Converge – Axe to Fall

Films of the Year:

1. Inglourious Basterds

2. District 9

3. Crank: High Voltage (Mike Patton OST FTW)

4. Drag Me To Hell

5. Bronson


A nice way to start the social shit is some facebook wizardry (read: stupid application), which details what appears to be my most commented (read: most interesting) 2009 photos. Click to make a spand.

the beast, the visit, the apes, the Sadid,

the committee, the BB4LADS*, the cold, the balls,

the Shamblers, the VBD*, the Keanu, the Corp,

the Casbah, the birthday, the boyfriend, the questions.

Thanks to ol’ Jezza Hazza, I am now the proud owner of a super metal denim awesome patchy special jacket. Currently, it sports no sleeves, removed pockets, and twenty-eight beautiful patches. Sewing said patches on whilst listening to drone (Earth – Hex) and watching the snooker emptied my mind of everything, leaving only awesome.

THE CRIM/ NYE CELEBRATIONS: Christmas was standard. 1. Got me some Deathspell Oh-ma-gawd and a hilariously anti-Christian Behemoth CD which shocked my poor mother when I opened up the digipak to reveal a huge inverted Jesus being cruci-lolled. 2. Got me some bookage: Frankie Boyle’s autobiography is fantastically Boyle, as expected. 3. Got me some guitar cashage. 4. That’s it. NYE was spent with the aforementioned Harris in the wonderful (snowy) shithole that is Croydon – the Skylark if I’m being particular, the Crown if I am lying. Then we went back and drank BEERS and played Lord of the Awesomes: The Third Awesome. It was Rings-Age.

GIGS: What better gig to baptise my jacket at than the Mike Alexander memorial show: a perfect mix of wind-milling thrash, moving testaments, beer-soaking, songs about mummies, songs about aliens... and new songs. I LOVE NEW SONGS. Also frequented were the cool Choker EP launch/ underwhelming burlesque night, and the awesome Skeletonwitch/ Duckbeast / Goatwhore. Bet you can’t guess which one I just made up.

LISTENING TO: This “blasted” month has brought me a new collection of goregrind... OAHWEE-OHHHH. The winners of the month are Rotten Sound, Regurgitate, Nasum, Impetigo, General Surgery and Venomous Concept. However there has also been a HEFTY portion of dark ambient jazz a la Bohren & der Club of Gore, and some groovin’ stonery awesomeness a la Kylesa.

COMPOSED: First and foremost, a new Shandy track has been composed - The Thin Line Twixt Man and Tram: a song which questions both the existential purposes and the differences of the two land mammals. Secondly, the prospectively titled ‘BMN’ (black metal-ness) for my band with Pauly MacPaulson, which is hella chug. Thirdly, my now-playing has reignited a spark of my youth: as a wee bairn I used to dream of playing in a goregrind band, donning my blood-soaked surgeon get-up and walking on to the immortal sample of “the doctor... is in.......... SHIT!” We have also began constructing lyrics based around a tube experience, a dopey sleeping man suddenly waking up, stumbling around, and eventually allowing the tube doors to slam on his neck just as the tube was leaving. After examining the deep meanings behind what we experienced before I jumped to his rescue, we have decided to call this masterpiece “Subway to Stupid”.

Time for even more monumental DECADE LISTS. These lists represents the 50 albums and the 20 films of the decade which have affected me the most – they all possess a sense of awesomeness which has in some way shaped my persona. I have also attempted to order them, according to their importance in the scheme of things. OCD FTW.

Albums of the Decade:

1. Meshuggah – Catch Thirty-Three

2. Electric Wizard – Dopethrone

3. Deathspell Omega – Fas – Ite, Maledicti, in Ignem Aeternum

4. Blut Aus Nord – The Work Which Transforms God

5. Dälek – Absence

6. Fantômas – Suspended Animation

7. Meshuggah – Nothing

8. Primordial – The Gathering Wilderness

9. Arcturus – The Sham Mirrors

10. Devin Townsend – Terria

11. Reverend Bizarre – In the Rectory of the Bizarre Reverend

12. Fantômas– The Director’s Cut

13. Sleep – Dopesmoker

14. The Meads of Asphodel – Exhuming the Grave of Yeshua

15. Akercocke – Antichrist

16. Chrome Hoof – Pre-Emptive False Rapture

17. Meshuggah – I (EP)

18. Reverend Bizarre – So Long Suckers

19. Mastodon – Crack the Skye

20. Enslaved – Ruun

21. Deathspell Omega – Si Monumentum Requires, Circumspice

22. Blut Aus Nord – Memoria Vetusta II: Dialogue with the Stars

23. Mastodon – Leviathan

24. Strapping Young Lad – Alien

25. Gorguts – From Wisdom to Hate

26. Ulver – Blood Inside

27. Negura Bunget – Om

28. Dälek – Abandoned Language

29. Earth – Hex

30. Vader – XXV

31. Gojira – From Mars to Sirius

32. Mistress – In Disgust We Trust

33. Devin Townsend – Addicted

34. Bohren & Der Club of Gore – Black Earth

35. Scott Kelly – The Wake

36. Insect Warfare – World Extermination

37. The Meads of Asphodel – The Excommunication of Christ

38. Mithras – Worlds Beyond the Veil

39. Melvins – Hostile Ambient Takeover

40. Dälek – From Filthy Tongue of Gods and Griots

41. Exodus – Tempo of the Damned

42. The Ocean – Fluxion

43. Melvins & Lustmord – Pigs of the Roman Empire

44. Nasum – Helvete

45. Akercocke – Words that go Unspoken, Deeds that go Undone

46. The Axis of Perdition – Deleted Scenes from a Transition Hospital

47. Blind Guardian – A Night at the Opera

48. Solitude Aeturnus – Alone

49. Mayhem – Ordo ad Chao

50. Evergrey – In Inner Circle

Films of the Decade:

1. 28 Days Later

2. Mulholland Drive

3. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

4. The Dark Knight

5. Inglourious Basterds

6. Shaun of the Dead

7. Road to Perdition

8. Sexy Beast

9. Lost in Translation

10. Wall-E

11. The Prestige

12. Memento

13. Requiem for a Dream

14. There Will Be Blood

15. The Departed

16. City of God

17. [REC]

18. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

19. Minority Report

20. Cloverfield

Now, memorize them. If you cannot recite them on demand, in order, a kicking will be dealt.

Wishing you all a Happy etc. X



*VBD = Vegetable Bird Devil

*BB4LADS = Bad Boys 4 Life... an’ den sum


Monday, 30 November 2009


After two weeks of nightmarish essays, one day of rest, and several presentation group meetings - I can feel confident in saying "I've had a decent workout this month". Shame it doesn't show. November has been a month of no shaving in our household, with the grubbly Alan and the hella old Adam winning by a beardy mile. Questionable food? Check: out-of-date cheap ginger beer, egg mayo sandwich, most visible bread-mould removed. Social shiz and artistic shoz? Check: red and blue.

New social formed! The cleverly titled CURRIED is in fact just a curry night, followed by a different pub each week - should provide a new and vaguely audible *shock* night out for us all. I can't actually remember doing too much else this month - a few meals with mates, Corp at least once a week, drinking at the soon-to-be condemned York (a dying dog which we kicked repeatedly with our free drinks vouchers). TAKE THIS, DYING DOG!

Gigs will now be placed here, to hide the fact that I don't much else in a month:
Cannibal Corpse were alright (read: put Dying Fetus back on). Echofall were solid and Northern Oak were brilliant as usual, their keyboardist is da bomb. Sunn O))) who are playing a church (UH-OH) in Manchester, and Toxic Holocaust somewhere in the near future. Fun for all the family.

LISTENING/ COMPOSING: Essay-month has been largely dominated by the new Nile, the new Devin (YAY), the new Rammstein, and the long-overdue addition of Wintersun's self-titled album to my library. Top Tip: (cyber)grind
core is the best music ever for essays: what the hell else (what the helse?) could get me to write over 6,000 words in one day besides Fuck... I'm Dead or Agoraphobic Nosebleed? Oh, mindlessly decrepid brutality - how I love thee and thine mindlessness.

Dan Shandy has
FOUR new tracks: the a-capella tribute to Paddy Considine, the tragic ballad Sooty has a Tiny Van, the sparsely barren yet epically epic Dan Shandy in the Desert and the problem-solving Issues:

"If every wolf had a dragon,
there would be no wars -
as we'd all be distracted by
our new wolf-dragon overlords.

If every scorpion had a calculator,
there'd be no disease -
because they'd use all their calculators to calculate
the root of all disease.

If every giraffe had a flask,
there would be no famine -
because he'd feed all the faminists
with his fucking flask."

- Dan Shandy, dreamweaver extraordinaire

I have been asked to jam with a fellow heavy metallion head, Paul de Forged von Rampage Sparshott, so am greatly looking forward to layin' down some heavy chugga choons, yo. I also appeared on the fabulous Owen in Rock this weekend - I can only imagine how THRILLED the entire union must have been to hear Meshuggah...

...this is how thrilled.

FILMS/ GAMING: Have been playing Halo 3 on legendary mode (read: "Bitch, please, you trippin'?" mode), as well as Assassin's Creed II and Left 4 Dead on the projector HUGELY all over the wall. Decided to complete Crash Bandicoot 2 and 3, as well as Spyro: Year of the Dragon for nostalgic purposes. Ahh, youth. Film-wise, I've seen Paranormal (read: good if not-scary) Activity (read: general lack of activity). I suppose that will do as both a review and a working-title suggestion for the already-announced sequel.

LITERATURE: Due to my essays, no writing has taken place this month. I have, however, been reading the QUIRKY Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Once my goddamned presentation is done, I shall finish Beta-351 before returning to the homeland, and being washed away in a tide of yule. No drawing this month, suck it.

Now, I'm glad you popped in, yo - but this is bat country. You can't stop here. X

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Rocktober '09

A month since my last, this post is being typed on the customary stomach full of questionable food - this month... cold Chinese chicken. Contrary to popular belief, however, I've done shit what ain't food consumption neither. Socially and artistically, yo.

With summer dead and gone - good riddance - I'm now back in the swing of university, (read: I am remaining in the swing of doing nothing). Literally, nothing. It took about four hours of nothing to build up the will to even type about doing nothing. As far as going out is concerned, last weekend was a highlight - Damnation festival intersecting a three-day horror film festival. The latter involved a 13-hour stint of gore, so really couldn't be anything but awesome. Damnation was a wheeze (read: however you like) - a phrase used by Jason of Akercocke to describe how their upcoming gig would be. Incidentally, the 'cocke were the best band there, just as they were at the Hideous Miscreation show the week before (sorry Will). But goddamn, taking all that 'cocke over two weeks really gave me a stiff neck.

Worthwhile mentions include the last ever show of Mistress (SAD FACE), a thoroughly reverbed (read: good) set from Mithras, and Lock Up turned all heads into splodes. In seeing Akercocke with the Miscreation (which according to an early Oxford Dictionary, is not actually a word, so is a miscreation in itself lololol), I also visited my little bro, for his eleventh birthday. Got him some Kyuss, YESSSS.

Artistically, here's the breeeeeeeakdown (dugga-dun-dun-dun).

LISTENING/ COMPOSING: first and foremost, NEW DAN SHANDY! The track is "Reykjavik" and is, as a large percentage of the lyrics suggest, about the home of the Icemen. Several more tracks are also in the working, such as... "Paddy Considine", "Sooty has a Tiny Van", and "These Bees I Breed Know What I Need". More soon, hush hush!.

Surely the most important band of the month is
Deathspell Oh-Mah-Gawd. Sure, I've been listening to them for yonks - precisely yonks - but it was only on the journey to/ from Lahndahn that I truly discovered them. Apparently, sitting alone for 12 hours with albums on repeat can do that. They are probably the best band (read: collection of musicians) that I have ever heard, bar My Sugar; in fact, they are the sole inspiration for my new project, tentatively titled "Jubilate Deo". Named after a song on their album Si Monumentum, meaning "O Be Joyful in the Lord", this is my one-man (Joe) lo-fi dissonant black metal project which I am looking to expand upon. Don't worry, it's not Christian bollocks, more leaning towards the opposite end of the spectrum. No, not Satanism, you ponce, but Atheism and indeed a hatred of organised religion. So, rejoice! Only thing that I've done is a demo, which can be found on the website here. Listen and learn... how not to produce audibly. But that's the point.

WRITING: improving upon previously written stories (I could keep going forever, FUCKING STOP IT!) Working-title "Beta-351" has expanded slightly, not giving much away yet. Still though, I did write something productive (read: reproductive) this month, and that is this: 8====D --- LOLOLOL.

DRAWING: the Sycophant, inked masterfully
by the good Baron Owen Watts. Notice the single word that sprang into my mind as I drew it, cleverly hidden amongst all the other scribbling I like to pass off as drawing.

Clearly it has been a productive month.

More soon, love and peace yo. X.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

So. My first blog, currently being typed with a stomach-full of what I only noticed on the last bite to be egg of a disturbingly green nature - so possibly my last blog. Now, I hear you ask - what's been happening in the world of Joseph?

Well, quite a lot and not a lot at the same time - as always. In moving back up to Sheffield, (hello new housemates), I haven't really got much to show for my week and a half here. I suppose I'll make like Owen and split up my life with colour-coding, it certainly brightens things up.

In the red corner, my life socially. My first days of Presidency (Rock Society) have been hectic ones - in no way. It basically involves me telling people what to do, so is awesome. Tomorrow is the day of fresher n00bs signing up, those damn n00bs. I look forward to pwn1ng d3m n00bs with my spec. attack of m3t4L kn0wl3dg3 (power level = three hundred and seventy thousand billion).

The committee looks like it's going to be fabulous this year - a very nice range. After a decidedly average-to-poor summer (read: shit, apart from holiday, curry nights/ jams with my best buds, and gigs), it's nice to be back up here with my fellow heavy metallion heads. Two drunken Corps later, it appears that the worst is yet to come regarding my liver - a full on week of pure pain in the sake of entertaining freshers. I kid, it will be great. But in a really painful exhaustive way. Plus then I've got the pleasure of the ol' what wi' the ol' dahn wi' the ol' lectures and shit to look "forward" to (read: any other direction).

....and in the blue corner, my life artistically and otherwise. Musically, having written and recorded another Meshuggah rip-off track for my project with dear William - Procyon B, things are looking better than usual (I actually have something to show for hours of sitting around staring at the guitar). Giggigically,
(copyright, new word), have recently seen Hideous Miscreation (best bud's brutal band), a couple of times, as well as Electric "fucking" Wizard, with Dying Fetus/ Cannibal Corpse next on the calendar. I have also recently discovered a sub-genre I am now in love with - djent. Not to be confused with the chugga, or the dun-dun varieties of progressive extreme metal, it refers to the sound the guitar makes when you D-JEEEEENT the living fuck out of it; (Research: Bulb, Periphery, Cloudkicker).

Literaturally, (copyright +1), I've been writing a new short story, but I shan't go into details because it would kill your mind trying to comprehend its deep meaning and social satire. It's still a mess, and has a working title of "Beta-351" - and it's bleak as fuck. No hope, y'all.

So, I have fully decided on my tattoo. This is to be placed on my inner forearm, to be permanently etched into my flesh in December. Merry Christmas, mum!

Having recently watched loads of stuff, I can thoroughly recommend Inglourious Basterds as the best film I've seen all year, followed closely by District 9 (fockin' prons!) Deadwood is also in my now playing - Western drama starring people who can act, as well as Hitman as Bullock. Watch it - it's the business.

Back in Black, that's all I have for now. More soon, yo, hope you all had a great Talk Like a Pirate Day last week. Idiots.